i don't like the drugs(but the drugs like me).
Salutations.
My name's Jonan,
I'm an 18 year old with the lungs and liver of a 70 year old.
If by any unfortunate(for you) chance,
you get to know me more intimately,
you will find that I:
am quite the cynical little shit
am rather lazy,that's what everyone tells me anyway.
prefer night so much more over the day that I've made a few owl friends.
experiment with the stupidest things possible and still think I am reasonably intelligent.
have an ectoplasmic look during classes.
change brands of cigarettes as much as a girl changes clothes.
am an asshole in my own right,if you know what's good for you,you won't get close.
have an email address;jonan_yip@hotmail.com.
Misery loves company which is why I'm never alone.
Don't say I didn't warn ya.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Of Airplanes,Explosions and Liquid Things.
Hello again.I haven't posted in a week or two so I'm here to update and empty my scathing sarcasm.I don't try to do it.I'm just annoying.Persistently annoying.To give you an idea on things,I have to go back to CCA until April.Go on,go ahead.Laugh.
I'll climb inside your room tonight with a parang and make sure you spend the rest of your life on IV fluid.
Well,with that unpleasant business out of the way,let's move on to current affairs.
I've just read in the HOME section of the Straits Times that airlines are going to place liquid curbs.It means that liquids such as perfume,aerosols,gels,etc. will need to undergo screening or limits.If Singapore decides to introduce restrictions(adding to the insurmountable number of bans/restrictions/fines already in place :)),it will affect ALL passengers to restrict the amount of liquids they can bring aboard the plane.
"Sir,I'm sorry.You can't board the flight.We've detected more than 30ml of liquid in your bladder."
The restriction was introduced cause of several smart-ass terrorists trying to cook up a chemical explosion using liquids and chemicals in innocent looking packages.Possibly,the easiest way to pass the ingredients to each other was via the toilet.
They should do away with airline toilets.Passengers can just use the side windows.At their own risk,of course.Either grin and bear it,or risk getting your privates sucked out by the vacuum.
And I wonder how the terrorists would do it.
T1 to T2:"Hey,pee in the cup and pass it to me.Quick!We're gonna blow up ourselves and take this plane with us.We'll be made martyrs and everyone will like,worship us as saints."
The Devil:"That one gets them everytime."
Osama:"STFU.You told me I would live to an old age and die happily."
Devil:"Yeah that's what I told Hitler,Stalin and Saddam too."
In the plane cubicle,T2:"Alright,here it is.But it better be fucking worth it.That bloody kid behind was laughing his head off after looking at my weener and I heard something about a little pickle."T1:"Well,it does look like one after that accident with the neighbour's dog..."T2:"You bitch!"*pulls T1's hair."Ow!That's too hard!AH!AH!"Passenger waiting outside for toilet hears two manly voices bellowing in the toilet,shoots a disgusted glance at the shaking door and walks off.
"Alright,according to the blueprints here,it's supposed to combust with ammonia gas."
T1 looks at T2.
"What?"
"It means you gotta fart."
T2 shoots an outraged look at T1.
"Why should it be ME again?It was MY PEE.So it should be YOUR GAS."
"Martyrs remember?"
"Screw you."
T1 manages to convince T2 to stuff himself with onions.
"Okay,here goes,it's gonna be a big one."
"For the holy war and martyrdom!"
"Toot."
"What?That's it?Did you mix the chemicals according to the fucking blueprints?"
"Oh shit.I think that's my mom's cookbook."
T1 was last seen somewhere in the South Pacific ocean.
Well,there's never a good terrorist.
Anyway,I'm off to kill more brain cells on the telly.
And remember to pee before you try to get though customs.
For all you know,they might just charge you for it.
Cheers mates,Jonan.
10:37 PM
Monday, January 15, 2007
School's back and I don't slack.
I is very very tired.Because school are very very tiring.And we is running out of rokios.Alright.I'll stop talking like a monkey.If they could talk.But if monkeys could talk they wouldn't speak in broken engrish right Jonan?Well,actually they're the second smartest species next to humans.I am talking to myself again.Another sign of a great mind.
School isn't as fun as it is anymore when you have to listen to lessons.It's hard to concentrate when you procrastinate and push your homework back till midnight and you spend your sleeping hours doing it.
I seem to be suffering from amnesia.I can't remember anything that happened except for yesterday.And all I remember about yesterday is playing LAN.I play LAN alot on weekends now cause as I stated earlier with great regret,my wife is R.I.P.She must have been jealous of my mistress(the xbox 360).Oh well,time to buy a new one then.
And what the hell has been going on with the weather lately?It's been raining so often I'd think that (the)God(s),are/is using the earth as a toilet bowl.I can't fucking walk two steps without getting wet.Yes,I like rain and it's the monsoon season but this is overkill.It's bloody irritating to step in a puddle when you're wearing slippers and your foot gets a mud facial.And there's a hot chick in front of you staring at your swamp monster foot.Maybe the Malaysians have developed a weather machine and are giving Singapore all the water we want.Damn,if I had a weather machine I'd turn the heat up so much the girls would be wearing bikinis out to Orchard.
Alright I'm a fucking dreamer.
Recently,in a newspaper,a couple was caught on a mobile phone having sex on a public bus in the afternoon.What the hell kind of behaviour is that?I mean like,WHY CAN'T THESE THINGS EVER HAPPEN NEAR MY NEIGHBOURHOOD WHERE I HAVE A CHANCE OF TAKING THE BUS AT THAT TIME.Life isn't fair.And seriously,the guy got no money pay for hotel is it?"Dear,I want it now,can we go to a hotel?I'm 28 this year but I'm still living with my mom and if she hears us,she'll force me to drink rat semen to enhance my fertility.""Okay,sure honey...Erm hon?I just spent my last hundred bucks on the DVD Ultra-Gay Uncensored Collector's Edition of Brokeback Mountain with commentry from Elton John and Michael Jackson.I only got a dollar left.""Okay lah dear,we go take bus then we do on top okay?SBS buses damn expensive so nobody will take one."*Guy stares longingly at DVD."Okay..."Midway,bus driver watches them and ignores every other stop after that.Bang Bus anyone?Thinks to himself:"Wahlao.At home watch must buy VCD.Here,got live action!No wonder the bus fare is so bloody expensive!"Starts driving with one hand.I guess you know why ;p,crashes into highway,causes multiple deaths.Couple finishes just in time:"Wah dear,that was HOT."Bus explodes.
SO next time you know what buses are for.At this rate,th government need not worry about the falling birth rate in Singapore.Just place more bustops all over Singapore...
Anyhow,I'm off.
See you around babe,Jonan.
8:21 PM
Sunday, January 07, 2007
2007
Well.Looks like I'm back.Brushing off the cobwebs from my blog.To explain matters,why I went MIA:My com exploded.Unfortunately.And I am using my dad's com to type this.I also went to Japan.And third,I was just chilling with my buds during the hols.But now I'm back,with your daily/weekly/monthly dose of scathing sarcasm.
Anyway,something really X-Files happened to me.I've started doing homework.Maybe it's because the teachers this year cannot
makan.Maybe I've got severe brain damage from overtime LAN gaming.Or maybe I've decided to stop being a prick,get off my ass,and do something useful with my life.
I think it's the second reason.
Doing homework really gives me that nostalgic feeling of primary school days.It's really pathetic when you can only visit your childhood days while doing something you don't like.Since I've started it's just as well,in time for the O Levels.
Speaking about the O's they're only 8 months away.
SO if you wanna get good grades,head over to your nearest LAN shop and short-circuit your nerve endings today!
I'll be back to post more tommorow.For now,
Try to do something pointless like standing on your basin and trying to pee into the bowl.
Cheers mates!
10:37 PM